I am SOOOOOOOO Sorry!!!!!!

Wow, I said in September that I would blog again right away, well that went to hell rather quickly. Oops!!!, but it could be worse, I guess.
Well, talk about a crazy life. We did get into our house, and we LOVE it, very much. It is so nice to have some breathing room and to have my personal bubble back. PHEW!! I was getting mighty claustrophobic.
But along with a nice big new house comes a lot more cleaning, and not necessarily just dirt but there are a million new places to find toys and dirty socks and sometimes the food that Evan and now Ada likes to hoard. I do feed my kids I promise.....really..... But I am not going to complain too much, because I LOVE it!!!!

Evan is now 3 and is so grown up. He is almost completely potty trained and is talking up a storm. The other night, I guess Evan had been back and forth to our bed a number of times ( I only remember 2 times, I was pretty tired) in doing this I guess he was keeping Larry up and of course, since Larry requires more sleep then a newborn, this did not make him very happy. So after the 80 billionth time he told Evan to go to his room and play with his new kitchen, to this Evan responds, "No, I am going to sleep" and 2 seconds later Evan was. Then when he woke up the next morning he had commented that his stomach hurt and 20 minutes later he said,"Daddy, I have some bites because my tummy is no ouches now... peez" It amazes me, but with this new found vocab comes attitude and back talking. Now when I count to give Evan a chance to rethink his current behavior, it goes like this; "Evan if you don't stop I am going to count..." Evan relies,"Otay!" and he of course does not stop, then I respond by, " 1....2....." to which Evan cuts in and says" 3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10" then after a deep breath by me and a second to collect the small bit of sanity that I have, all I can do is secretly smile and try to keep a straight face while I set the timer for a time out and put him on the stairs. Oye!!! So we are both working on affective consequences.

Now Ada, is going to be 1 in a month. Talk about a fast year. WOW!!! I thought Evan's first year was fast, but Ada's was faster. She is walking and talking a bit and thinks she should just go crawl up the stairs and she laughs at me and crawls faster as I walk towards her. Turkey! She does not like baby food and she has not intentions of weaning anytime soon. But that is okay, because soon she will not need me at all, and I am in no hurry for that.

We had an amazing Christmas and are hoping for an amazing New Year!!

I will blog again soon!

Signed,
Sorry, I forgot to write...

Finally.............

HOLY COW!!!!!!!! It has been a long time. I give everyone else a hard time about their blogs and I am just as bad. A lot has happened, we sold our house and waiting to hear from the bank that everything is finalized on our end. We have to be out of our 'shack' by Sept 30th, so I hope we are not homeless. Anyone want 4 roommates?????

I am finally going to get the help and I support I need, I am seeing a new doctor next week, so cross your fingers. I did not think it would be so hard to get the help/support needed when there are practically billboards everywhere talking about PPD and the importance of asking for help. Gosh....

But more importantly, our family is getting the time it needs, Larry is making more time and more of an effort and I am working on not being so angry all the time.

I promise to get back to bloggin' and let you know what is going on.

Signed,
I can see the light... and it is beautiful

Camping.......We survived!!!!!

We took full advantage of the long weekend, we took the kids camping. Larry had the whole weekend off and let me say it was nice to get to know my husband again. Wow!!! It feels like it has been eons since we have spent full days together. I mean, holy, sometimes I was reminded why it is great he works so much but most of the time it was nice to be reminded why I married him.

We were not on our own, our friends the Maichen's joined us. It was a blast, despite the rain and wind. The small bits of sunshine and seeing the boys run around like "Crazy Mouses" made the wet chairs and tents worth it. Evan and Owen have been friends since they were 6 months and have always had fun playing together, but talk about endless energy. They were up by 8:30 am and played until the sun had long turned in for the night.

We had many adventures, Sheila and I took the kids out a night earlier than the guys. Carl followed us out to help set up and start our fire. After about an hour of a small fire all the kids began to get tired, cry and poop their pants, so with us tag teaming (so no one would hopefully fall in the fire) the fire went out and was never to return. We could not get it started to save our lives. Good thing we were not dependent on it for warmth or food. Good grief! So with the lack of light we turned in for the night. I am not an outside kind of girl, I like clean hands and faces and I HATE bugs. Gross!! But I had tonnes of fun.

The next day began with another fire let down, I could not get it started again, so breakfast consisted of Pop Tarts, cereal, milk and instant coffee. And lunch was sandwiches (courtesy of Sheila, I had planned on fire roasted hot dogs for the day). Not long before we left for home to get our Baby Daddies, Evan took a header into the gravel, I mean header. His face hit before anything else. So with the first injury out of the way, we were prepared.

It was a really fun weekend and though I am happy to be home in my own bed with hot showers, I wish the weekend had not ended. But back to reality.

When I have a few more minutes I will blog about our other adventures.

Signed,

Has a new appreciation for the outdoors!!

I sometimes wonder.........

I sometimes wonder if people are in the "People Industry" to help people or just because they thought it would be easy. I don't know. I had a doctor's appointment today, as I said in my last post, and it left me far more confused, anxious and annoyed. I mean I go and pour my heart out, even cry and the best advice they can give is stop breastfeeding, because I need autonomy from my family and I need to remember that I am not just a mom but a women. My doctor told me everything I was feeling was normal and I should not worry. Then he sent a nurse in to tell my the same and to blame it on my housing situation (selling and buying). It was like they were trying to make me feel bad for whining because I have a GREAT support system and I should just get over it. It was not until I told the nurse my anxieties about little things like sippy cups, diapers and that I am always expecting the worst, that she began to look worried and then actually offered to help. It is really sad, I mean I am not a new mom, I know that how I feel in not normal, it took a lot of courage to make the appointment and keep it. I wanted to puke the whole way there and while I was in the appointment.

When I had finished telling the Doctor what I was feeling and why I felt I needed to be there he said,"So, when are you going to tell me sometime that should worry me." I just looked at him and thought, this should worry you, it worries me, it is not because I have yet to get my period back or because I am breastfeeding. It is also not because we are selling our house, it started long before that.

I don't know, but hope to find out, I have a referral to Mental Health, maybe they know what it is.

Signed,

Wondering what goes through peoples heads..

Dreading the Truth

I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon. I am dreading it, the thought of going makes me want to cry and run away. I know it is necessary but I am afraid. Afraid of what might be said, decided and what I might have to give up. To be honest I would much rather be told that I was pregnant with triplets and they each had 2 heads. Okay, that might be a slight exaggeration but you get the point. I hope.

I have to go see the doctor because my pediatrician (and myself) is afraid that I have Postpartem Depression (sp?) It is really worry some and is causing me more anxiety, even just typing it makes me want to cry and run away. I don't know what to do. I have all these thoughts running through my head, like what if I have to go on meds and stop breastfeeding, or what if I have to close my dayhome for a while. What if I end up being hospitalized and can't take care of my children. What will they do? What will I do? I understand that those are extreme cases, but they float in my head. What do I tell people? Is it something you share? or keep tp yourself?

I am already having trouble coping and feel like a bad mom pretty much all the time anyway. Is this going to make it harder to be a good mom. I often lie in bed and feel guilty for being too hard on Evan and for not picking Ada up fast enough. There are many mornings that I hope he does not wake up for a while so I don't have to deal, or I put him in his room in hopes he will sleep all afternoon so I don't have to deal. Ther are times when I put Ada in her crib so I can sit by myself in front of the TV for 2 mins and if she crys I leave her for a bit. I am afraid I am hurting my kids. I yelled at Evan today and he did not really react. Is he becoming used to it? I sure to hell hope not. I love my kids with everything I have and it still seems that I can't deal. I am pretty lucky Ihave two healthy beautiful kids that love me, I have a great husband who puts up with my emotional explosions and tells me everyday that he loves me. Why do I feel like this? Do I have the right to feel like this.

With all that aside, what do I tell the Dr. this afternoon? Do I tell him that I can't handle my kids, that sometimes crazy thoughts enter my head. That I am waiting for another bombshell to drop and am always waiting for the worst to happen. I mostly always have a weight on my chest and self sabatous whenever good things happen. I don't know, maybe all of it..

I hope this all becomes clear before I go and that I have some answers when it is done....


Signed,

Scared out of my mind

Don't know where the time goes.....

Man, it is hard to believe that it is already middle of July. WOW!!!!!! Ada is almost 6 months, Evan is talking up a storm and I am thinking that I may need to reproduce again. This has been on my mind since I had Ada, but I was beginning to think that 2 kids were enough, I could see light at the end of the tunnel and I was feeling normal again. ( Well as normal as possible after kids) But the question was posed about starting round 3, and who was going to be first. I was pretty comfortable with my answer, not until my brain recovered from the first 2, but now that the new, new babies to the group have made their entrance, I think that I want more ....... NOW!! ...... Okay... Maybe not now, but soon. I don't know. I am going to have to waffle, like I do for everything else. But since we seem to be quite successful at this baby making business I am going to have to be careful until I am sure.

On another note (but same note), I can't believe where time has gone. We get possession of the new house Aug 28th, providing we sell this house. Everyone cross your fingers. This house has already been on the market for 45 days, crazy!!

I have to go do laundry, a disgusting thought...


Signed,
Where do the days go?

I have to apologize.......

I have to apologize, in a past blog rant I may have hurt a friend's feelings. It was not my intention, but I may have. I was feeling sorry for myself and got a little oversensitive. Everyone is entitled to opinions and to give advice (when asked for). I have to realize that I may not always know best and take constructive criticism when it is offered.

Signed,

I am sorry and hope we can still be friends....

Summer is here!!!! Finally.........

Summer is here, and with that she has brought the usual summer joys!!! Sweat, snot and grumpiness. The sweat because of the heat and our unusually hot house. The snot because of allergies and reflux and the grumpiness because it is hot and no one is sleeping well because it is hot. Being that Evan has not nursed for a while I had forgotten that having a baby on you all the time can make you very warm and for me, rivals pregnancy. A few of my friends are at the very end of their pregnancies and can't wait to be done. Can't say I blame them with our 30 degrees C and above temperatures. But we wish happy, healthly, safe and quick labour and deliveries for them. (And of course big, beautiful, happy and healthy babies)

Another thing summer brings is chaos, there is always something to do or a place to be, but that is half the fun. I just hope our house sells soon, and we get into the other one so I can buy a new vehicle with A/C. In my attempts to be stubborn and get what I want I bought my present car too quickly and forfitted the A/C. I will one day learn to be patient.

I am looking forward to a wonderful summer and connecting with great friends.


Signed,
Trying to keep cool!!!

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We survived!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So we survived Calgary. I came home with the two kids I left with and most of my sanity. WHEW!!!!! I have to be honest I was really scared. There were a few nervous moments and a few break downs but we did it. It really gave me a sense of accomplishment. I can do it. Mind you, it is not something I would like to do regularily, but I could do it again.

The Zoo was a lot of fun, as was visiting everyone, but again a lot to cram into 3 and a half days.

YEA!!!!!!

Signed,

I am GLAD to be home!!

It has been some time..........

I know it has been a while, but I have been busy. Really!! I have, we have had 4 more showings since my last blog and I have been slowly working on the house.Kind of anyway. Okay! Okay, I have been thinking about working on the house. You got it out of me. Not much can be done when I have little ones running around and I have been trying to get the laundry done.

To tell the truth I have been feeling sorry for myself and letting it get in the way of life. We really have had a lot going on, in trying to sell the house, have some sort of a life and giving my children the attention they deserve I have been lacking on sleep. I go to bed late and wake up early, I get bitchy and snarly. I take everything out on my husband instead of dealing with the people that actually make me mad and I am having a hard time counting to 10 instead of losing it when my adorably, too-smart-for-his-own-good, son tries my patience. So then I can't sleep again because I feel bad for yelling and putting him in a time out when I was the one that really needed it. Mommy's guilt is a nasty thing. Just when I think I am making head way, and I might have coping down, someone makes a comment or I have a thought and it is all shot to hell. WTF!! I can't win.

So since I feel that I have some experience with feeling guilty, tired, overwhelmed and useless, I feel that I may be qualified enough to give some advice. A friend from my Mom's group is having some anxiety about parenting 2 children, one being a newborn (which we all know require a lot of extra attention and love) who wants only her mommy at night ( my daughter being an excellent example of this), I felt that when she asked that it would be fine to tell her I understand and offer some advice on how to deal. I mean Larry worked nights at the beginning and is gone a lot with his job, so I am left alone a lot too. And really with a nursing baby he can only do and understand so much anyway. Well, I offer my advice, standard stuff like forget the house work, forget the routine (babies often pick there own anyway) and tell her that I am here to help, yada,yada,yada......

Well, not long after another mother replies, gives her advice, great. The more the merrier. ( We really do have a great support system with eachother in our group) She seemed to pick my advice and point out that getting rid of the routine will only work if the baby wants the routine gone. Really now, I am all for letting baby be the boss, both my kids still are the boss and I fear that will never change, but really a routine is only good if it makes everyones life easier and less stressful. If it is creating more stress than it needs to take flight somewhere else. Being that I am running on little sleep and am often left questioning my own parenting abilities I take offense. I know that I am over tired and probably reading more into it than there is, but I can't help but be angry and bitter. And this as a result is causing more sleep loss. Oh well.

So instead of sleeping and dreaming I am left with a burnign hole in my stomach and a weight on my chest. Feels pretty awful.

We are also off to Calgary today, just the kids and I, wish us luck!!!

Bon Voyage!!!

Signed,

Wish I did not feel compelled to help people.

At Last.........

I am very happy to say that the house is listed. YEA!! We have even had our first showing. I hope it went well. Let's see, I have not, yet, finished touching up the baseboards and casing, nor have I painted the office. Larry has yet to finish putting in the floor joints and putitng in the baseboards in the closets. Speaking of closets, I have to finish painting the closet doors. This never ending. I am hoping that the people who came to look today will decide that they want to put in an offer, AS IS, that would be sweet. Now I really should get to finishing some laundry so the laundry rooms floor will magically appear.

Cross your fingers.

Signed,
Can't wait to be out of here.

A very very busy weekend

It was a crazy weekend, too crazy for my liking and I have never been so excited for a Monday. This was really the last weekend we had to finish anything big on the house. We are listing June 2, so we have to get done. Just thinking about all we have to do, makes me sweat. We have to take many more loads to the storage unit, I have 2 closets, the office, and baseboards to paint and touch up. I have to have my house cleaned top to bottom, all by Friday or Sunday to have pictures taken to go on MLS by Monday. And again, I am blogging instead of doing any of the above list. Tonight I have to for sure have my floors washed in and my upstairs put back together for Grayson in the morning. Too bad my house is a death trap. Oh well. Hopefully won't be here for too much longer. All of this will pay off, when we get the keys to our house. Cross my fingers and toes.

In all the craziness I have to take Evan to do something fun this week and really work at socializing him. It is not that he doesn't like it or that I have to force him, I have to force myself. I am not good with new people or things. IT really causes me a lot of anxiety and stress. The idea of sending Evan to preschool makes me sick to my stomach. I am sure he would have a blast, but I have too many worst case scenarios running through my head. I guess that I just worry he will be rejected by the other kids or that he will be a bully and get kicked out and have no friends. I know this a crazy and dramatic (beacuse he is a very likeable kid) but these are my concerns. SO back to the initial point, I have made myself promise that I will take Evan, atleast, once a week to socialize and to teach social skills. Although from watching him with other children at the park, he does have more than some. Yea, victory!!

Rain Rain go away!!

IT is hard to believe how fast life happens. It has been a very very busy couple of years for us, in the span of 3 years, we got married, had a baby boy, bought a house, had baby girl and are now building a new house. Insane!! We are just trying to put some finishing touches on our current house to sell it, so it has been a very busy time. Between trying to entertain a very active and very smart 2 year old and continually feeding a growing 3 and a half year old, there is not much time to clean my house, finish painting my house or pee for that matter. I guess I could be using this time to clean or throw a load of laundry in the wash, but this is more fun. And life is much moe fun when it feels like your head is going to blow up.

The rain is not helping. It makes it harder to entertain the active/smart 2 year old (who has decided he does not need to nap) when you have to keep him in the house and continually ask him to not touch the paint, the baseboards, the thousands of nails and screws that seem to be floating around the house, it makes for a long day for both of us. Just thinking about it makes me tired.

Larry is back full force and won't be done until close to Christmas, so the craziness is not going to stop. Gone are the days when we used to excitedly wake up to see rain and lovingly say "Rain Day!!" and crawl back into bed. But I guess bills need to be paid.

Thanks for reading my little rants.