Dreading the Truth

I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon. I am dreading it, the thought of going makes me want to cry and run away. I know it is necessary but I am afraid. Afraid of what might be said, decided and what I might have to give up. To be honest I would much rather be told that I was pregnant with triplets and they each had 2 heads. Okay, that might be a slight exaggeration but you get the point. I hope.

I have to go see the doctor because my pediatrician (and myself) is afraid that I have Postpartem Depression (sp?) It is really worry some and is causing me more anxiety, even just typing it makes me want to cry and run away. I don't know what to do. I have all these thoughts running through my head, like what if I have to go on meds and stop breastfeeding, or what if I have to close my dayhome for a while. What if I end up being hospitalized and can't take care of my children. What will they do? What will I do? I understand that those are extreme cases, but they float in my head. What do I tell people? Is it something you share? or keep tp yourself?

I am already having trouble coping and feel like a bad mom pretty much all the time anyway. Is this going to make it harder to be a good mom. I often lie in bed and feel guilty for being too hard on Evan and for not picking Ada up fast enough. There are many mornings that I hope he does not wake up for a while so I don't have to deal, or I put him in his room in hopes he will sleep all afternoon so I don't have to deal. Ther are times when I put Ada in her crib so I can sit by myself in front of the TV for 2 mins and if she crys I leave her for a bit. I am afraid I am hurting my kids. I yelled at Evan today and he did not really react. Is he becoming used to it? I sure to hell hope not. I love my kids with everything I have and it still seems that I can't deal. I am pretty lucky Ihave two healthy beautiful kids that love me, I have a great husband who puts up with my emotional explosions and tells me everyday that he loves me. Why do I feel like this? Do I have the right to feel like this.

With all that aside, what do I tell the Dr. this afternoon? Do I tell him that I can't handle my kids, that sometimes crazy thoughts enter my head. That I am waiting for another bombshell to drop and am always waiting for the worst to happen. I mostly always have a weight on my chest and self sabatous whenever good things happen. I don't know, maybe all of it..

I hope this all becomes clear before I go and that I have some answers when it is done....


Signed,

Scared out of my mind