I sometimes wonder.........

I sometimes wonder if people are in the "People Industry" to help people or just because they thought it would be easy. I don't know. I had a doctor's appointment today, as I said in my last post, and it left me far more confused, anxious and annoyed. I mean I go and pour my heart out, even cry and the best advice they can give is stop breastfeeding, because I need autonomy from my family and I need to remember that I am not just a mom but a women. My doctor told me everything I was feeling was normal and I should not worry. Then he sent a nurse in to tell my the same and to blame it on my housing situation (selling and buying). It was like they were trying to make me feel bad for whining because I have a GREAT support system and I should just get over it. It was not until I told the nurse my anxieties about little things like sippy cups, diapers and that I am always expecting the worst, that she began to look worried and then actually offered to help. It is really sad, I mean I am not a new mom, I know that how I feel in not normal, it took a lot of courage to make the appointment and keep it. I wanted to puke the whole way there and while I was in the appointment.

When I had finished telling the Doctor what I was feeling and why I felt I needed to be there he said,"So, when are you going to tell me sometime that should worry me." I just looked at him and thought, this should worry you, it worries me, it is not because I have yet to get my period back or because I am breastfeeding. It is also not because we are selling our house, it started long before that.

I don't know, but hope to find out, I have a referral to Mental Health, maybe they know what it is.

Signed,

Wondering what goes through peoples heads..

Dreading the Truth

I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon. I am dreading it, the thought of going makes me want to cry and run away. I know it is necessary but I am afraid. Afraid of what might be said, decided and what I might have to give up. To be honest I would much rather be told that I was pregnant with triplets and they each had 2 heads. Okay, that might be a slight exaggeration but you get the point. I hope.

I have to go see the doctor because my pediatrician (and myself) is afraid that I have Postpartem Depression (sp?) It is really worry some and is causing me more anxiety, even just typing it makes me want to cry and run away. I don't know what to do. I have all these thoughts running through my head, like what if I have to go on meds and stop breastfeeding, or what if I have to close my dayhome for a while. What if I end up being hospitalized and can't take care of my children. What will they do? What will I do? I understand that those are extreme cases, but they float in my head. What do I tell people? Is it something you share? or keep tp yourself?

I am already having trouble coping and feel like a bad mom pretty much all the time anyway. Is this going to make it harder to be a good mom. I often lie in bed and feel guilty for being too hard on Evan and for not picking Ada up fast enough. There are many mornings that I hope he does not wake up for a while so I don't have to deal, or I put him in his room in hopes he will sleep all afternoon so I don't have to deal. Ther are times when I put Ada in her crib so I can sit by myself in front of the TV for 2 mins and if she crys I leave her for a bit. I am afraid I am hurting my kids. I yelled at Evan today and he did not really react. Is he becoming used to it? I sure to hell hope not. I love my kids with everything I have and it still seems that I can't deal. I am pretty lucky Ihave two healthy beautiful kids that love me, I have a great husband who puts up with my emotional explosions and tells me everyday that he loves me. Why do I feel like this? Do I have the right to feel like this.

With all that aside, what do I tell the Dr. this afternoon? Do I tell him that I can't handle my kids, that sometimes crazy thoughts enter my head. That I am waiting for another bombshell to drop and am always waiting for the worst to happen. I mostly always have a weight on my chest and self sabatous whenever good things happen. I don't know, maybe all of it..

I hope this all becomes clear before I go and that I have some answers when it is done....


Signed,

Scared out of my mind

Don't know where the time goes.....

Man, it is hard to believe that it is already middle of July. WOW!!!!!! Ada is almost 6 months, Evan is talking up a storm and I am thinking that I may need to reproduce again. This has been on my mind since I had Ada, but I was beginning to think that 2 kids were enough, I could see light at the end of the tunnel and I was feeling normal again. ( Well as normal as possible after kids) But the question was posed about starting round 3, and who was going to be first. I was pretty comfortable with my answer, not until my brain recovered from the first 2, but now that the new, new babies to the group have made their entrance, I think that I want more ....... NOW!! ...... Okay... Maybe not now, but soon. I don't know. I am going to have to waffle, like I do for everything else. But since we seem to be quite successful at this baby making business I am going to have to be careful until I am sure.

On another note (but same note), I can't believe where time has gone. We get possession of the new house Aug 28th, providing we sell this house. Everyone cross your fingers. This house has already been on the market for 45 days, crazy!!

I have to go do laundry, a disgusting thought...


Signed,
Where do the days go?