It is crazy to think how fast life changes. I mean the turn of a head, the blink of an eye or a passing thought. Everything/anything can be over in a second from now. I mean GONE!!! Never to return. I am not trying to philosophical or anything, I really have nothing 'deep' in my head. I am not sure if I have ever had a 'deep', let alone profound thought.



What I am talking about is how a careless, recklessly passionate night can change the course of your life and then the same consequence can change your life again not long after.



Larry and I have been discussing (which in our marriage means I talk and he 'listens') the prospect of further procreation. I want one more, for sure, while he is on the fence( and quite comfy with the fence post up his a##). On that note, I think this discussion is so frustrating and infuriating because we had thought we were done. After our daughter was sick as an infant we (or I should say, I)decided that two was probably more than enough. There are two parents, two hands for each child and we have a bedroom for each child. We were good, then when Ada hit about 11 months, I had a passing thought, that was met with a slightly positive pee stick. I say slightly positive because it never became any more positive and after about 6 weeks I got my period, so nothing came of it. Okay, I could deal, obviously nothing was going to, and we could try again later.

Then I decided it was time to improve my professional life, I applied for a part time job, and school. Well, Tuesday, I got accepted to school, Wednesday, heard back about my job, "I got it!!" and Thursday, I peed on another stick and I passed that test with flying colors too!!!! YEA!!!.....right?.... Okay, so needless to say, I was not too impressed and not super excited. Not even a little bit.



So after the shock is gone, and I get Larry to accept this new blessing, we start to plan logistics, you know the important things like how I am going to go to Walmart with all 3 kids in tow. We tell some family and a few close friends, and make all the necessary appointments. We can do this.



Then just as soon as this little blessing makes an appearance, our lil'blessing leaves us. I mean that quick, in less than 24hrs. GONE..... This 'prospect' of a wonderfully unexpected blessing that had turned our life upside down for 9 weeks , had suddenly flown away.



I know these things happen for a reason (or so I am told) and I know this does not mean that I have to be done. I should feel comforted by the thought that it was not a healthy pregnancy, and my body took care of it, so not to burden my life, but I am not comforted by this, it make me mad and sad, that I was not meant to have that burden who in my eyes would have been perfect and beautiful, a burden I would have given anything for.



I, also, realize that there are people who lose their children, who have had the chance to hold and love their children in our world, and that there are people who's pregnancies further in, when they already have nurseries started and diapers bought. To me, this was my child and will always be. I think this is harder because this is not my first or even second, and I know there is a good chance it will not be my last.



I am not blogging about this because I want anyone sympathy, or for anyone to call me tomorrow and tell me they are sorry. I appreciate that this will probably invoke such feeling. I am doing this, to try to promote some understanding to how it feels and how I am feeling. I want to put forth the thought and feeling that life is precious, no matter how long it is around for.



Sorry for being so deep guys! But this was what was on my mind. I had to put it out there. To all my friends who have been there for me, I love you and you guys are amazing. I am not sure I would be okay enough to even write about it, if you guys were not there for me. Thank you.



Signed,



Love you forever, lil' blessing!!